Day 57: Shockingly Bad

My God this show is so bad. So why is it I'm so addicted? I need help.

Day 56: Blades of Fury

Well after years of faithful service, the lawnmower has eaten one kids toy too many. RIP Percy Mower

Day 55: A bad (up)date

Now don't get me wrong, I do love my Xbox One. But why, for the love of God, does it need to be constantly updated and always at the most inappropriate time (gaming time)

Day 54: Good Luck Daz

Went to do a white wash and found Nates shirt. Strawberry sauce, common variety dirt and something I'm too scared to even think about naming

Day 53: Oared stupid

Visited Oxford, thought the place was proper oaring

Day 52: I blame Chris Rea

Kids: Are we there yet? Me: If the destination was Hell, then yes.

Day 51: Storm saves Storm

So when the storm hit, this umbrella with me clinging on to it nearly flew over the fence, I shit you not. Luckily my Storm came out to help

Day 50: Bring me his head

As I get older I'm finding myself being this parent for the tiniest of slights on my kids. #calmdowndear

Day 49: Say it ain't so

Oh fuck me, they've escaped for the summer. Somebody help me push them back in

Day 48: It ain't half hot mum

Off to see Kaede in a play tonight. Hope the air-con is working because it's hotter than the Devil's nut sack out here

Day 47: So it's come to this

Set up the video camera to catch the birds on my new feeder and this was the result. I'm officially a sad old bastard.

Day 46: Day of the Triffids

Lucy: Do you want a pumpkin plant? Me: Will it take over my Herb patch? Lucy: No. Me: OK then. #TriffidTakeover

Day 45: Are you SURE

Jeez, it's so hot even my teeth are fucking sweating

Day 44: Department of Far Flung Nooky

So I was watching a Swedish crime programme and saw this. I know avdelning means department, so therefore they have a department for sexpeditions. Our hospitals are so boring.

Day 43: Nailed it

So since giving up my lifetime habit of biting my nails, this thumb has been my ‘cigarette patch’ of sorts, the only one I would bite. Well it’s only gone and got infected. Bastard.

Day 42: What's in a name

Vodka & Russchian, it used to be my fav mixer. I didn't care that it was pink because it still sounded 'ard. Vodka & Citrus Blend sounds like something my Great-Aunt would drink

Day 41: Life stinks

The moment you realise that your Mum is coming over, your sons toilet habits leave a lot to be desired and you've run out of bleach…

Day 40: Late for your own funeral

So I get stuck in the church car park due to a funeral ending. Thought it would be bad form to beep them to move, but then again, I was in a rush.

Day 39: Does not compute

Err, thanks for the help Windows, problem is that it's my wireless mouse that's not working. CAN'T EFFING CLICK CAN I

Day 38: Pain of Thrones

It's not that the daughters boyfriend broke the chair, it's that now I'm being dragged off to go chair shopping

Day 37: Who drank all the pies?

Don't get me wrong, I love Steak and Guinness pie, it's just that wasting the Guinness makes me so sad.

Day 36: Wake up Sunny

I accidentaly pressed the sleep button on the PC. It was then harder to wake up than Sunny von Bülow

Day 35: A Bee in my bonnet

Entered a 'Draw a Bee' competition and didn't even get an 'honourable mention'.

Day 34: Waste Disposal

She's got me working early this morning… I've been to the dump before I've even had a dump ffs

Day 33: à la tienne!

Tour de Selfie. I'm just unhappy that you're all not with me having a drink

Day 32: Save us all

Other than by me, in the last 5 years this has only been used to turn light off 3 times. Time for drastic measures

Day 31: Cheers Pops

One for me and one for Dad. Hope he doesn't mind if I drink his one.

Day 30: Just look yourself

The Mrs, who is doing her own 100 happy days, is asking me every day what #day she is up to. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Day 29: Losing my cherry

It seems I have suddenly become alergic to my favourite fruit, cherries. Fuck you nature

Day 28: Murray (mints) sucks

Oh no, really gutted that Murray has lost at Wimbledon. But the unhappy part is that apparently sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.

Day 27: Game of Trolleys?

It's Monday night, 9pm, Sky 1, Game of Thrones time. WTF is this shit? Damn, forgot it was the season finale last week

Day 26: Take your pick

I narrowly missed out on the top prize in the 'IN TOUCH' church newsletter. I picked Father Time, Friar Tuck and Edgar Allan Pope

Day 25: Stairway to Heaven

Have just spotted this access panel in church ceiling. Will now spend next hour obsessing over how tall the ladders must be to get up there

Day 24: Glasto-envy

I really wanted to go to Glastonbury this year. Oh well, guess I'll just spend the weekend shitting in the garden instead.

Day 23: Sad

Trish made me watch Beaches last night, what a depressing film. Looking forward to the sequel though - Son of a Beach

Day 22: Soft drink and drive

It's Kaede's sports day which is being held at the local rugby club. Guess what idiot didn't realise the bar would be open and brought his car

Day 21: Soooo close

Damn, I was this close to getting a hole in one today. Just needed 2 more inches and 3 less shots

Day 20: Just desserts

Loved being cooked a 13 course meal last night. I'm loving being left with all the washing up a whole lot less though.

Day 19: I'd be out by now

As I sit here on our 13th wedding anniversary, contemplating life in general, I came across this. Only kidding (gulp).

Day 18: Spamalot

Dear Mr Spammer. So not only do you spam mail me at 6.40am on a Sunday, but then you abuse me in the message. Jesus H Mother Fucking Christ, when will you people learn? #TheHstandsforHarry

Day 17: BBQ season

The worlds most expensive sausages. BBQ1 blew up 5 mins into process leading to a mad dash to buy new BBQ and more sausages. 4.30pm and now time for lunch

Day 16: Fat bags

So it took 20 frantic minutes of the seatbelt alarm constantly going off and me checking my seatbelt connection, over and over, before I finally realised the problem. Stoopid car

Day 15: Ouch

Lego. Look at you sitting there, all quiet and innocent. But you don’t fool me. You are the Al-Qaeda of children’s toys, ready to strike when least expected. Yep, I trod on you…again

Day 14: A dedicated follower of fashion

Not sure how I managed this but at least it was only the Headmaster that noticed it and not anybody important/embarrassing

Day 13: Kids, tsk

I have been a gamer all my life, so how the hell has this happened? Please God, don't tell me that the worm has turned?

Day 12: A tardy tidy

Just went to get the car washed, it took bloody ages and now I'm late

Day 11: Pops

A bitter-sweet one today. This is the first time I haven't had to make/buy a Fathers Day card, but all the memories of him have made me smile. And what a handsome devil

Day 10: Cheers

The cat is away, the mice are at play, but then she nicks my beer, dammit

Day 9: Inclement weather

Screw you Wind, knocking over my washing. You’re not even a decent weather condition. People say your name and think of farts. Now Lightning, there’s some proper weather.

Day 8: I say, excuse me

Went to see Kaede in a cello concert last night. Well I say saw.....