Day 100: The Final Rant

I tried to keep it light throughout my #100Unhappydays but for #day100 I’ve decided to rant. So strap yourselves in and pray you’re not mentioned.

Grey chest hairs. Cold Callers. Hot Callers. In fact any callers, I’m x-directory for a reason mutha fucka. Jocks moaning that we’re allowing them a vote – we colonised you so be a bit grateful you dour old gits. People that can’t queue, if you can’t do it properly then go somewhere less popular. Fuck you Alzheimer’s, I hate you the most, but for reasons I can’t remember. High iron levels – a bloody pain. Tottenham – be it Hotspur, High Road or History. Writers block, cheese and One Direction. 270 miles door to door – way too far. Being asked what #day it is for 100 days. Weekend drivers, someone please give me a gun. Squirrels, grey not red. The Daily Fail. China – cups not country. Never ending stories and The NeverEnding Story. Slow walking, three abreast ‘I don’t care if you have somewhere to go’ Slummy Mummys. Michael McIntyre’s hair. Making lists.

Day 99: I refuse to stop refuse

Believe me, when you live at the end of a very long, narrow, cul-de-sac, the last thing you want to see when turning the corner is this. And yet I seem to manage it every week

Day 98: First World Famine

A very 'first world' problem today, but me and Kaede are most upset that our local has run out of cheese and onion crisps

Day 97: Destiny in my hands

Damn you, why did you have to launch on a really busy work day. Have to burn the midnight oil I guess

Day 96: Old Skool Sat Nav

What a difference a week makes - this time last week I was all chilled out in the Netherlands. Incidentally, this is the map I used to get me there. Old Skool mappage

Day 95: Oh Jesus

If this is true then I don't think any of us are going to heaven

Day 94: Sod's Law

Why is it that the only time a dragonfly decides to hang around and pose for a pic, I can never lay my heads on the proper camera

Day 93: Hello Grindstone

There was me looking forward to the peace and quiet now the kids were back at school, but then I saw my outstanding work board

Day 92: Gimme, gimme

I'd heard of people coming back from Amsterdam addicted, but I didn't realise that I would come back addicted to these

Day 91: Shoe idiot

Guess what idiot has just realised that Kaede doesn't have any school shoes for tomorrow

Day 90: Mile away

The OCD number geek inside me is going crazy that the Netherlands/Amsterdam/Bruges trip ended one mile too soon

Day 89: Not In Bruges

Have decided to visit Bruges but can't see Colin Farrell anywhere. Beginning to think the violent documentary we watched 'In Bruges' could be a work of fiction

Day 88: My cup runneth over

Fed up with these stupidly tiny cups, so I've resorted to drinking straight from the coffee jug

Day 87: Pass the Dutchie Part 2

I rather think I've taken my attempts to blend in with the Dutch too far

Day 86: Too many choices

The worst thing about the Netherlands is they have too many beers and not enough days to drink them

Day 85: Pass the Dutchie Part 1

As a smoker that's been choosing not to smoke for nearly 8 years, I can honestly say today in Amsterdam has been the toughest day yet

Day 84: Peed off

Unable to decide which toilet I was meant to use, I did the next best thing and pissed in the hallway

Day 83: Time on his hands

The Mrs just got photobombed by David Moyes

Day 82: The (not so) Great Escape

Great, it's Bank Holiday Monday and I'm up at 5.58am

Day 81: Not nice bucket

So you agree to do the the Ice Bucket Challenge and then your dopey Mrs inexplicably stops taping at this moment so you then have to do it twice

Day 80: Key Parenting

Have had enough of the kids today, so have locked them in the back room and just to rub the salt in, I've taped the key to the other side

Day79: Dry toast

The Mrs: Can I use the hairdryer in the front room? Me: Are you asking me if we have electricity in the front room or are you asking me to get you the hairdryer from the kitchen? The Mrs: The second one. Oh and a slice of toast.

Day 78: The unfairest of them all

Most Husbands would be getting brownie points for putting up this mirror. I however am going to get a bollocking for doing it without her here, in case something bad happened (like the mirror smashing and splitting me in half).

Day 77: Mr Pink

Had one of those days where I've been fiddling around on the computer all day and this is all I've achieved (oh and a couple where Betty Boo has joined them)

Day 76: Moby Dick

Unhappy, I bet he was livid. Of course it's hard to come when your bell-end has been turned into a chair

Day 75: All mapped out

Why oh why am I trying to get my head around the Gall-Peters projection map when my pet Geographer is not in the country?

Day 74: Fatal Attraction

The Mrs just told me she'd found a dress to die for. I fear for my mortality

Day 73: Cheesus Christ

These seemed like a fun idea at the time. Now my mouth tastes like Athlete's foot

Day 72: Gumbo No. 5

Asked the kids what they wanted for dinner, hoping to hear Hot Dogs as an answer, nice and easy. Gumbo was the reply, thereby ensuring 30 mins of prep, 40 mins of constant stirring and a very late dinner.

Day 71: Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em

Mother in Laws, you have to love them don't you. Don't you? DON'T YOU.

Day 70: How much?

Nearly £10 for a pint, half a coke and a couple of bags of crisps? You're having a laugh. The mice are not happy

Day 69: RIP Robin

Dedicate my #100Unhappydays #Day69 to Robin Williams. He started out of this world and now, sadly, is no longer of this world. RIP

Day 68: You spin me right round

I'm guessing the pilot just found out he had my Mother in Law on board and has turned back.

Day 67: It's Raining (on) Men

The perfect weather for a trip to London. Guess we'll have to swim to Hamleys

Day 66: I need some weed

So the Mrs decides to do some gardening to ‘help me out’ as my back has gone. Then tells me to dispose of this lot ‘once I feel better’. Cheers hon.

Day 65: D'oh

Tonight I mainly want to be like this, but apparently it would appear rude as we have a guest over

Day 64: What a pain

These have been my only friends today as my poxy back has gone again. Ain't getting old a bitch

Day 63: Thanks Batman

Watching Batman Begins and he only goes and rescues King Joffrey. So it's Batman's fault that Nedd Stark is dead

Day 62: High as a kite

Let's go fly a kite. Up to the highest height. Yeah right, until the string gets tangled up and some idiot has to untangle it

Day 61: Stone me

'Kids make sure you don't swallow the stone'. The words were still in a speech bubble when…yep, I swallowed the stone

Day 60: For the love of God, No

My crime - being the only one stone cold sober at 1am. My punishment - being forced to take a picture of the Witches of Woodford

Day 59: Give a gal a break

So Kaede has her first footy tryouts today and it's peeing down. Once again Mother Nature, Thank you and Fuck you.

Day 58: Let's raise a (free) glass

Damn you Bombay Sapphire. You know I'm a sucker of a free glass and now you've sucked me in.

Day 57: Shockingly Bad

My God this show is so bad. So why is it I'm so addicted? I need help.

Day 56: Blades of Fury

Well after years of faithful service, the lawnmower has eaten one kids toy too many. RIP Percy Mower

Day 55: A bad (up)date

Now don't get me wrong, I do love my Xbox One. But why, for the love of God, does it need to be constantly updated and always at the most inappropriate time (gaming time)

Day 54: Good Luck Daz

Went to do a white wash and found Nates shirt. Strawberry sauce, common variety dirt and something I'm too scared to even think about naming

Day 53: Oared stupid

Visited Oxford, thought the place was proper oaring

Day 52: I blame Chris Rea

Kids: Are we there yet? Me: If the destination was Hell, then yes.

Day 51: Storm saves Storm

So when the storm hit, this umbrella with me clinging on to it nearly flew over the fence, I shit you not. Luckily my Storm came out to help